So Many Secrets
by ALMH
Summary: Oh dear. What happens when your mind turns to utter chaos. Set during 5.5 in Spooks, during series 4 doctor who, the next part of my Spooks for a Year challenge.


She leant into the wall, some how trying to find comfort from the concrete didn't work. Nothing she could do took her mind off what would happen it the next few hours. She looked at her watch, only just able to read the time. 5:03 am. In an hour Zaf would wake up and leave her. Then she'd be alone, another lost soul wandering the Earth. Actually, more specifically, a dead person still wandering the Earth. She wondered who would identify 'her' body. Zaf, Adam? Probably Harry, she concluded. He wouldn't entrust that job to anyone else. Her heart broke into even smaller pieces as she thought of the pain he would have to undergo, because of her. She never meant to hurt anyone.

Zaf stirred slightly beside her. "How come he could sleep?" she furiously thought, then reprimanded herself. If it wasn't for Zaf, and Adam, she would be in prison already. This way she at least had a life. Nervously she played with her necklace. As soon as Zaf had left, then it would all begin.

-=-

"Ruth," Zaf whispered, uncertain as to whether she was sleeping or awake. Ruth turned her face back to Zaf. "I've got to go now. The boat doesn't leave for another hour, and then-"

"Zaf, I know the plan," she told him calmly, speaking calmer than she felt. "I'll be fine." Her hand reached up to her neck and carefully unhooked her necklace. She held it out for him to take. "You'd better take it. It'll make it more believable."

Zaf nodded and delicately took the necklace from her. "Good luck," he quietly whispered.

"You too. Thank you... can you tell Adam thanks from me as well?" Zaf nodded and stood up, smiling weakly at her before leaving. Ruth watched him leave, until he disappeared into the shadows, knowing that it could be the last time she ever saw him.

Taking a deep breath she took out her mobile from her pocket. Not her normal mobile, she had left that behind. Too easy to trace and track. She had bought this one only hours ago as Zaf slept. Now, it would come in use.

She dialled a number that she knew off by heart, and waited impatiently for someone to answer.

-=-

By no small amount of blackmail, bribery and begging he had found out Ruth's location from Adam. Less than two minutes later he was on his way, ten minutes later he had parked. He thought he could see her figure, still standing by a boat, but he didn't dare to hope. This was his last chance to see her, possibly forever. He was not going to lose it. His pace increased, until he was close enough to clearly see that it was her standing there. She looked so peaceful, so calm, much more serene than he felt. Slowly she turned to look inshore. He felt routed to the spot, but forced himself to keep moving.

"I told Adam not to tell you," she said softly as he got closer. She sounded nervous. Nervous at seeing him? Or nervous at the thought of having to leave? He didn't know.

"I told him I'd give him the sack if he didn't," he replied. She laughed, when would he hear her laugh again? Slowly he stepped forwards until he was within touching distance of her. "I don't know what I'll do without you Ruth," he blurted out. "What are you-" he trailed off. It was safer he didn't know. "You take good care, yes?"

"Yes," she whispered. "And you. Don't get shot."

"You coming?" the man yelled from on board the ship.

"No, I'm not," she yelled back. He stared at her.

"But... I thought you were going-" he said.

"I am. I've got to Harry, this is the only way so don't try persuading me out of it. I'm getting a lift off... well, it's complicated."

"Complicated?" he asked. "I don't think that things can get much more complicated." She weakly smiled.

"They can, and it is so complicated. I've spent all of my life having to keep things secret, from everyone, and I promise you I was going to tell you. I was going to tell you everything, I really was..." she paused and looked back out to the Thames, trying to hide the tears that were starting to fall. Suddenly there was a loud whooshing noise from behind Ruth, and a large blue telephone box materialised behind her.

"Doctor, you still haven't explained what's going on, stupid spaceman," a ginger-haired woman said as she stepped from the box.

"Donna! Back inside now!" another voice came, and another person stepped out, wearing a large tan overcoat and a dark brown suit. He met eyes with Ruth and Harry as he let Donna back in. "You ready?"

"Can you give me a couple of minutes?" Ruth asked, her voice starting to waver. He nodded, and stepped back in. The door stayed slightly ajar.

Ruth turned to face Harry, no longer trying to disguise her tears.

"It's that complicated," Harry tried to joke. Ruth tried to smile, but barely managed it. "There's not going to be enough time for you to explain?" She shook her head.

"I promise you Harry, I was going to tell you soon."

"Where are you going to go?" he asked desperately. "Am I going to be able to contact you again?"

"I'll try and get in contact with you again, I promise," she whispered. Her hand had now moved up to his face, and gently she moved forwards to kiss him softly. He went to pull her closer, to hold her close to him, but she pulled away. "Forget me Harry," she whispered, before gently kissing him again.

Suddenly she moved away from him, into that mysterious blue box that seemed to have appeared from nowhere. She gave him one last parting look as she entered, and then that was it. The door closed, and she was gone.

* * *

Author's note at the end for once. Wooh, another entry. And I'd just like to apologise for this one. I've been trying to combine these two fandoms for a while now, and I'm very afraid that this is my best attempt. I have a back story in my mind, hopefully tying up the loose ends such as why on earth Ruth knows the Doctor, and if anyone wants it uploaded on here just ask. I am very sorry for the utter randomness though. Incredibly sorry. Although to be honest I could have submitted another story for this SFAY entry, but it was very depressing (suicidal in fact,) so I thought you'd appreciate the randomness instead.


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